I haven't really posted anything with any substance in a couple of weeks, so I thought I'd update all of y'all (see, I'm ready to get back to GA!) on what's going on in my life. Chase is deploying at the beginning of March. His 2 week pre-deployment leave begins this Saturday at 7am. During his leave, we are moving me and my belongings back to Georgia. I'm going back to my hometown to live with my family because a) I've only been out here in Cali 3 months, and that's not long enough to have any sort of foundation. I don't have any friends or family out here. The only reason I am out here at all is because Chase is here. And b) I am going to need so much support from family and friends during these 7 months. I'm going to need them to keep me occupied and show me the love that I won't be getting while Chase is overseas. So, I've been busy with the last few days of my job out here, packing, getting all of the deployment stuff set up, etc. It has been stressful, to say the least.
To be honest, in the back of my mind I knew this deployment was coming... I guess it just never occured to me that it is just around the corner. I thought I'd handle it ok, especially since I've been incredibly homesick since I've moved out here. I mean, I'm getting to go home to all of my loved ones. I've missed my family so much, as well as my best friends Whitney and Lindsey. Lindsey and I haven't been apart from each other for more than 2 weeks since the 4th grade up until this past October. However, Chase and I had to go to a mandatory deployment readiness class for married Marines and their spouses, and it just made everything so real. I've basically been an emotional wreck ever since. Poor Chase, barely a day goes by that I haven't burst into tears. It's not that I mean to, trust me. In fact, I'm desperately trying to be strong for him. Of course he feels like it's his fault; like he's doing this to me. I'm ok until we lie down to go to sleep, or until he hugs me, and then I lose it. I guess I feel like I can let my guard down in those situations. Either way, I just didn't expect the deployment to affect me this much beforehand. It's still a month away. And these upcoming two weeks are going to be wonderful. I'll be with family, friends, and Chase back at home. That rarely happens. But 7 months is a long time, and as the Bible verse says, "What God has joined..." You know the deal. It's really true that after you enter into the covenant of marriage, God transforms your soul into one. I feel incomplete when we're apart, and that's how I should feel. Not the puppy-love type of incomplete. It has nothing to do with infatuation. After 4 and a half years, I'd say we've outgrown the "honeymoon phase". Anyways, I am getting off-topic. These next 7 months are going to be the most bittersweet times of my life, I think. I'm just praying for strength, and I'm asking you to pray too. Especially for Chase. He's going to be the one in an unfamiliar place, with no family and only his work buddies. He's going to be the one feeling like he's hurting me. I'm asking for the Lord to give him courage, peace, assurance, and, most of all, safety. I'll be claiming Psalm 91 over Chase everyday that he's gone.
On another note, I've also felt lacking in my spiritual walk. In Bible study, we talked about how right after a spiritual high - where you feel extremely close to God - there is almost guaranteed to be a spiritual low. I feel like I'm slipping into that low. Chase and I have skipped church the past 2 Sundays, I don't pray as often as I did, and my quiet time and time in the Word have had this detached feeling. I hate it. I hate feeling far from God. I know it's my fault. I haven't fallen into an ocean of sin (any more than I already was), but I just don't feel that relationship that I felt. I know that God is still reaching out to me, it is just hard to remind myself of that often since I don't feel it. I need to feel God's peace now more than ever, and I have just been slacking. Now I'm kicking myself for it. Maybe this is just the Enemy. I read my friend Amber's blog, and she said that when you start hearing too many "you's" in your head accusing you of things, you can be certain that is no one but Satan. For example, "You are unworthy. You are the reason things are going wrong in your life. God isn't drawing near, and it's because of you." They're all lies. I know I need to pick myself up before i sink even lower in this. The beauty of God's grace is that He knows you are going to slip up, yet He loves you and gently pushes you along through those low times. We looked over some verses in Bible study discussing this: Romans 7:14-25.
But, Paul goes on to say:
14 So the trouble is not with the law, for it is spiritual and good. The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. 15 I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. 16 But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. 17 So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.
18 And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. 19 I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. 20 But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.
24 Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? 25 Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord.
Praise the Lord! I mean, honestly, if Paul - a guy who wrote the majority of the New Testament - screws up and admits it, it's inevitable that we are going to screw up. It is the sinful nature in us. As soon as we realize this, and stop having a woe-is-me attitude each time we get in a spiritual slump, the sooner we can get back on track with the Father and continue to allow Him to use us to do His Will... which is why we are alive in the first place, right?
Man, I am preaching to myself! I bet I sound schizophrenic. Anyhow, I feel better now that I've gotten all of that off of my chest. I was so uptight and stressed that I felt like I couldn't even put anything into words that made sense. Now I think I can go to bed. For those of you who have stuck with me thus far, thank you, and please remember Chase and me in your prayers the rest of this year. We've got a bumpy road ahead! Also, pray for our trip back home to GA. It's a 3 day journey, so pray for safety and sanity! Thank y'all for all your support.
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