The Never-Ending Battle

(I am aware that most people post "before and after" photos, but I'll be posting, before, before, after, and back to the start photos, since I am a human yo-yo when it comes to my weight)


Man, for as long as I can remember I've struggled with my weight. I remember being called "Baby Shamu" on the bus everyday when I was in 4th grade. I was always the biggest (or one of the biggest) girls on my cheerleading team, my softball team, and of all my friends.

Anyhow, my senior year I reached an all-time high. I weighed more than I ever had and could not fit in any of my clothes. I was fed up. (You may have read the essay I wrote about this story.)

Then, I won a gym membership to P.T. Gym and met a trainer who gave me a bet. This bet helped me start losing weight. I guess the motivation of being held accountable by someone I admired was the key. Anyways, that trainer quit the gym and accepted a job out of state. Since I was a "success story", so to speak, and since I was a young girl, I got offered a job at P.T. Being around people working out all of the time, and having to uphold an image, I lost even more weight. I did it all the "healthy way", though. I cut back my calories and exercised nearly everyday. I was also dating someone who made me want to lose weight, but we won't go into that. I did take Adipex off and on, which my doctor prescribed to me, since i had so much trouble losing weight, even with doing all the right things. Overall, I went from weighing 177 to 135 in the course of a year. It wasn't enough though. I worked at a gym, I was surrounded by people trying to perfect their bodies, and I was obsessed. I remember gaining 4 pounds and losing it! Since I worked at the gym, I had a key, and I went there at 1am one night and worked out for an hour, crying the whole time because I felt fat. Needless to say, though I was doing the "healthy" thing physically, there was no emotional or mental health about it.

After working at the gym 2 years, I quit (mainly because I couldn't take working for my boss anymore) and got a job at a restaurant. After going from being around people working out all the time to watching people eat, I started gaining. When I got married I weighed 147, and before I moved to California I weighed 150. I've been in California for 3 months, and with the stresses of moving, finding a job, not to mention living with a man who can eat whatever he wants, and every other excuse I can think of, I now weigh around 155. I never stop "trying" to lose weight, but you have no clue how quickly my body puts weight on. I got down to 153, had a cheat day, and the next day I was at 158. It just happens. I'm not one of those people who can eat even 1800 calories a day without gaining weight. Just about no girl my age works out as hard as I do, but it gets me nowhere. I only maintain, if anything. Can you imagine how quickly I would balloon up if I were to eat what I want and not work out? Now, I know to many of you 155 does not sound like a lot, but I'm short and I have a round face, so it shows on me. Plus, going from having an unhealthy obsession with my weight to gaining 20 pounds... well, that just doesn't sit well with me.

I keep trying to get really motivated, but I lose it so quickly. I was looking through pictures of me in 2007 today, and I couldn't believe I thought I was fat. It really made me depressed. I would give so much to be at that weight again. I know it's ridiculous, but I also know that every woman struggles with this in one way or another.

I bought a book called "Eat this, not that", and I've heard a lot of good stuff about it. I am also thinking of seeing a doctor when I move back to Albany to help me get on the right track. Maybe start back on Adipex once I wean off of Zoloft. I don't know. All I know is, I am on the same track I was when I gained all that weight, and I refuse to get that way again.

I'm just especially down about this today, so if you have any encouragement, I could sure use it.